For Sister Epiphenita

because we both love nothing more than blasphemy....

e.

Gay vs. Gay-Gay

earlier today...after a conversation about a friend of mine and some of his beliefs... i had someone ask me if my friend was "gay" or "gay-gay." i said, "like take it up the ass gay?" she said, "no, like gay-gay."

"you mean, does he decorate and cut hair? have tiny dogs?"

"no!"

finally....we found the crux of the question: "if he were in a relationship, would he be the man of the woman?"

ah.... (straight people. oy!)

so i pressed further: "so, like, does he clean the bathroom and his partner cook the steaks?"

she said, "no! like i'm the woman in my relationship..."

i said, "yes, because you have a woo-woo. and your husband has a penis."

basically, what she was looking for was who fit best into traditional gender roles.

traditional gender roles piss me off.

actually, before i go any further... i should say that it all began because i was explaining to her that this particular cocksucking friend is a very devout christian. he prays daily.... asks whathisface for guidance.

we talked about his interest in the "once gay" christians that are now, thanks to the help of (hallelujah) god and his offspring, straight.

i don't want to go so far as to call him a self-hating fag.... but i do think if god could make him straight, he'd sign on the dotted line.

so that led to whether or not he was "gay" or "gay-gay." for example...where does he fall on the kinsey scale? is he a perfect six or does he wobble around the 4 or 5 point?

"100% gay," i said. "never been with a woman... has no desire."

and then THAT led into the discussion of gender roles. and gender roles piss me off.

are we on the same page now...?

so, anyway..... i think she basically assumes that if you want to be cared for and have the "man" take care of you... then you're the woman. but if you're the one taking care of the little woman... holding them at night, caressing them when they cry... then you're the man.

so i said, "well, he wants to be the woman... but usually ends up the man."

but i despise those labels and those stereotypes. i know so many women that are far stronger than the men in their lives. does that mean these women, vaginas and all, are the men? are the emotionally self-deficient men, no matter how well hung, the women?

fuck that noise.

i don't think all newborns should wear pink if they're girls and blue if they're boys. i don't think all boys should want to grow up to be astronauts and firemen and women princesses and nurses.

when i was younger....besides wanting to be wonder woman...i wanted to be a baker. that's the first job i ever remember wanting to be when i grew up. never a policeman. never a fireman.

am i any less of a man....?

i know women who play sports better than any man i know. does that mean they're uterus is any less...... uterussy?

gender roles and gender stereotypes continue to cause a rift in society and the workplace and they perpetuate inequality. from equal pay to equal expectations.

women can't be strong... then they're bitches. but bitchy men are held up as titans of enterprise.

women who only wear pants and never dresses can never be considered as much of "a lady" than pretty, young things that wear flowy gowns. and they certainly can't be made president. (side note: back in the campaign, i had someone actually tell me he thought hillary would do better if she just carried a purse. i had another person tell me once the WNBA would succeed if the women wore more make-up and cuter outfits.)

on the flip side... men who have sex with men can't be "real" men. don't you dare like the color pink or you're automatically a fag.

it's all such bullshit.

i was so happy when my younger brother and his wife told me they would never buy anything pink for my niece. they didn't want to buy into that nonsense. but guess what? EVERYONE else buys pink for her.

it's so ingrained in our society: men are the breadwinner and will take care of their wives. women should only ever want to get married and obsess over their wedding day and dress and honeymoon.

let me tell you something. a friend and i used to talk about our perfect weddings and honeymoons.... and he is STRAIGHT!

and i watch football. and my "gay-gay" friend doesn't watch football. but my one dyke friend does when my other dyke friend doesn't.... and my straight female friend does... and another one doesn't.

and it's green to some people and avocado to others.... and some take it up the ass and others don't.

and it doesn't make one person more of a man or a woman than the other.

it just means we're all unique. not necessarily special... because, let's be honest, i know some pretty lame, boring, not-so-special people.

but they are, always, unique.

e.

Happy Halloween

My Day at White Trash Pride

this morning i headed down to the recovering and ever-chic burg of galveston to assist in their 3rd annual pride festival.

my assignment: man the human rights campaign (HRC) booth, gather contact information and spread the word about all the great work the organization does.

no problemo.

oh wait.... that's right! i was in fucking galveston.

we arrived shortly before noon and by 1:38pm i had already witnessed three kate gosselin haircuts, enough bad drag to make a grown man cry and the ever-present-galveston quandary: how do you tell the difference between an everyday galveston resident and a lesbian?

i also had to deal with a competing oktoberfest, drunk dykes who asked every couple of hours if they could buy our gay pride flag (to which, every couple of hours we would tell them "no") and one particularly creepy old, bearded man that eyed me off and on for 30 minutes or more.

we had a frightening moment when two christian rehabbers handed us a possible banana bread bomb and...while it wasn't ticking....i told the person holding it to throw it away in the nearest trash bin in hopes of lessening to explosion's impact.

we saw ren faire drag done up in hopes of passing as opera drag. i saw guys with hair straight out of 1990's australian cinema. and just one trashy queen after another.

don't get me wrong... there were some hotties. but they were not easy to find.

the entertainment consisted of the aforementioned bad drag in costumes that would make the late selena cringe. an ex who continues to sing and pack on the pounds. derrick barry, aka britney spears, aka glorified drag queen, aka spoiled, egomaniacal diva. someone named kady malloy who was on some show called american idol who had the hottest fucking boyfriend i have seen in a long time... and that would have entertained me far more than she did.... oh, and we didn't stick around for 80's pop queen, tiffany. who - honestly - i don't remember. but someone told me a song she sang (which i've already forgotten) and i'm pretty sure i had heard of the song.

(on a side note: a old and dear friend of mine was responsible for pulling together all the entertainment and he did a fabulous job in balancing the needs of the local drag divas and the real talent brought in to bring in higher prestige for the event.)

but.....i couldn't stick around for tiffany. i had to get home to watch the texas game.

texas 41, mizzou 7. hook 'em.

and happy pride!

e.

Buy In

so i just returned from a very entertaining reading of a new play at stages. it's the first of three readings in wordsmyth theater's fall season...once again presented in collaboration with the actor's gym.

well, the same kook who shows up at every one of these readings and then rambles on and on about ganesha only knows what....did it again tonight.

and he went off on his favorite bash-worthy subject: homosexuality.

yes, he went off on my play and it being "gay." he's gone off on other plays for having a gay character.

tonight's play: part comedy of manners. part thriller.

written by a happily (i assume) married gentleman probably in his sixties. teaches writing.... seems very pleasant.

there is one moment....ONE moment...where a person says she's bisexual and likes to kiss other women. probably made the whole thing up to fuck with the guest. but guess who pounced it?

"why did you bring up the gay thing?"

what...?!?

"i can't believe you've bought into the culture."

i had to laugh. the people around me, knowing me, looked for my reaction. i simply turned and said: "well...i'm glad he's bought into the culture. we have this big march coming up and we could use all the help we can get."

what a jackass....

e.

p.s. seriously, though... if you want to buy into the "gay culture" - we're always accepting recruits. thanks....

The Birthday Doctrine

my birthday is less than a month away. actually...only a couple of weeks away.

this year, however, the dynamic has changed. i have family in town. a brother. a sister. my parents. two dogs.

so...as is usual in a proper WASP family...they wish to gather and mark the occasion.

but here's the dilemma: i'll be out of town for the big day.

yes, for the first time i can really remember.... i'll be out of town for my birthday... celebrating in my own style in nyc and d.c.

so when my mother called and asked, "do you want to go out for dinner for your birthday?" my response was simple: "i'll be out of town."

i mean, i'm not one of those people who has to celebrate a birthday. i don't require the attention. i don't need a theme. i really have everything superficial one needs in their life so presents aren't really an issue either.

so when she pressed.... i really didn't see a reason to make a fuss. "i'll be in new york..." good enough for me.

but the pressing has continued. and now it appears we'll probably gather prior to my trip. some sort of preemptive birthday strike... which just seems oddly reminiscent of the bush doctrine.

i don't agree with the bush doctrine.

it's like premature ejaculation. not good for much of anything and it usually causes an unholy and wholly unwelcome mess.

and it all makes me wonder? what should be the birthday doctrine...?

should celebration be limited to the actual day...? or...if one is a responsible adult-type person and the birthday falls on a monday, tuesday, wednesday or thursday...saved for the immediate weekend following?

is it presumptuous to celebrate your birthday early? my family and i are looking at about a week prior to the actual day. seems (and feels) early. but the other option would be to wait until after my upcoming travel... that would be about two weeks after the day...... and that just seems too late to even care. i mean... how long can you drag this out? is there some sort of birthday statute of limitations?

of course, i know people who believe strongly in "the birthday month." yes...the birthday MONTH. birthday festivities lasting an entire month... usually from the actual date until the same date, next month.

seems excessive... but i'm happy if it makes you happy.

but at 36 (soon to be, that is) the whole birthday thing seems a bit old. the idea of gifts seem selfish and indulgent.

don't get me wrong... i don't mind gathering with friends... having some cocktails, some food. but i don't need a big "to do!"

is this a sign of growing older....? could it be a darker sense of self-loathing or lack of self-worth at work?

i can get excited about a friend's birthday... love to throw a good dinner party or even take them out for a meal.

i don't celebrate what's-his-face's birthday in december but i still put up a tree.

in other words... i can get into the spirit of the thing. but when it comes to my own birthday....

eh, whatever.

maybe i'm just old.....?

e.

4th Time...? Not the Charm

hello, my lovelies.... welcome to the long-awaited, much-anticipated wrap up of the 19th annual scriptwriters/houston 10x10 showcase of new plays.

but who am i kidding...? that was two weeks ago... (more?) we've moved on... we've digested the highs and lows of the weekend. but i feel i must revisit this go-around and express my thoughts and insights on the whole operation.

let me begin by saying: this is it. i'm done. i'm out.

this fourth affair with the blue hairs of the 10x10 left little enchantment in my heart for the group. unorganized. amateurish. the whole thing left me wanting. not that any given year has been 100%. but we know how rocky this experience started and, well, it didn't end much better.

i should preface this with stating i enjoyed working with my director very much. yes, he thought my characters were gay when they clearly were not. yes, he left town for nearly three weeks in the middle of rehearsal time. and, yes....he obviously didn't work closely enough with tech to really hammer down the problems with my play.

but before i get to all of that... let's revisit the other 9 plays first.

family portrait
i like the writer and there were some moments of very clever snipes. but, ultimately, the piece is 8 grating moments of hate and slur....with an attempt at putting a positive face on it with a false ending. "i wasn't able to give my children a proper childhood." why not? and is being the screaming banshee of hoboken really the better option? love your children... try your best... don't harp on every flaw, belittle every aspect of their lives and try to pass it off as love. i simply didn't buy it and the lead actress's affected performance only made it more painful.

this play came in third with the judges. i also heard some muttering that this piece had been performed somewhere before...which should have disqualified it. but whatever...

the workshop
it read so funny on the page... but then lost its way in performance. too much going on? too much dependence on slapstick and physical humor as opposed to the words written? the fact that the actor who delivers the final, HI-larious monologue was almost unintelligible didn't help. most people i know tuned out and hated this piece.

it won judges favorite.

dance with me
nine minutes of poorly written dialogue and a buried message. it redeems itself in the final moments when we're all allowed to watch an old lady dance to "the cupid shuffle." that moment won over the entire audience....enough for them to ignore the other nine.

the final dress rehearsal for this was a logistical nightmare. wrong music, wrong timing, wrong sound effects. the first night the older actress lost her lines and the piece lost two minutes of dialogue. it was saved by the booth when they brought in the sound effects early to move the action along.

it was runner-up for audience favorite.

mornings
the sombre, gay play of the year. the first few minutes are jumbled and distracting. dialogue switches back between two gay couples (2 men, 2 women) and much is lost. i think it has it's moments when it allows just two people to settle down and discuss in the second half of the piece. ultimately, however, it's all cliche' and retread. nothing original. some fine acting, i thought... some of the best of the night.

oh....and i still don't see any part of that piece that really shows one of the gay men at the beginning is the one that's dead. so you have a current conversation and a past conversation. how do we know that? where is that said? the only way to know "jeff" is seated at the table at the beginning is to read his name in the program. otherwise, i honestly feel it's never clear.

this play tied for runner-up with the judges.

unleashed
another charmer from the charmer of the 10x10. he writes unoffensive, safe, whimsical, down-home plays and the goblins of the 10x10 love him. i actually really like the play too. it benefits greatly from a talented cast... and it's clever and funny. but safe. always safe. i'm never big on safe.

this play won audience favorite overwhelmingly.

target
some interesting moments... but it feels as if it goes on five minutes too long. again, not necessarily benefited from its lead actor (also its author). originally, the entire show felt like a high school UIL one-act. stilted, stiff, cheesy lighting. the director originally had each "extra" come on and off the stage. made the entire piece feel even longer and dragged it out. finally, she put everyone on stage and it helped. still... ultimately a deeper message lost with a lot of excess.

cuteness
cute. very cute. harmless and aimless.... i actually kinda liked it. the chemistry between the two actors added much. i dunno? beyond the underlying misogyny...i liked it.

forbidden fruit
for some odd reason...this play did not connect with most audience members and friends i've talked to. it's my favorite play out of the ten. it starts off on a very bizarre note and just continues down the rabbit hole. interesting and fresh... funny but dark. the play, i think, provides the most daring ending of the night. a friend of mine was pitch-perfect as the bartender... and i just really enjoyed the ride.

critic's choice
this play runs about 15 to 17 minutes in a TEN minute competition. it feels about 25 minutes long. pointless, self-indulgent. it's a wink to the inner circle that has nothing really to say but attempt to skewer the very person who wrote it. anyone who has to place the PhD after their name in a THEATRE program, is self-indulgent. i do not know a single person who enjoyed this piece.... BUT...

it tied as runner-up with the judges.

upstairs dirty bomb
what can i say about my play....? it never quite lived up the promise of its title. i do think it's better than the production it was given (a familiar feeling of mine when discussing the 10x10). for some reason people laughed more at the second half. of course, my play only runs about 7 minutes. but after the 17 minutes of the prior piece of shit.... i think everyone was simply ready for the show to be over.

so maybe i was partly screwed by placement?

but mostly...i was screwed by the booth. not to mention a bit of slapdash direction and a novice actor who tried his best but simply couldn't bring what was needed to the play.

and again...i really enjoyed working with my director and my cast. two of them i would work with easily again. and one of them received a lot of laughs.

final dress rehearsal was a nightmare, as previously stated. opening night... the sounds were all off. turns out, the booth spent so much time fixing the other plays they royally fucked up during the final dress rehearsal, they forgot to update the changes for my play.

so the vacuum cleaner that was supposed to be over the opening music took the place of what was supposed to be the first big boom from upstairs. and... the booth decided to play the vacuum cleaner noise for a while. which threw off other sound effects. all in all...it just threw off my actors, threw off the timing...and the entire piece came across as flat.

saturday night... music and vacuum cleaner is right... then when it came time for the first big boom...................

nothing.

my actors paused, looking up...waiting. nothing. so he stomped as loud as he could in place of the sound effect. the first half of the play had my actors stomping where sound should have been.

again...threw off the actors. threw off the timing. the piece fell flat.

sunday matinee.... crappy, unappreciative audience all around. matinee audiences always suck. but guess what...?

music and vacuum cleaner fine. first sound...perfect. every sound after that... perfect. on time and rather funny.

remember: this was the first time i'd actually heard all the sound effects in their proper places... after a week of tech and two prior performances... this was the first i heard it all.

it changed everything and i was actually happy with the piece.

i think i took some chances... yes, it probably isn't as funny as i had hoped. but it at least challenged individuals... especially those on the left who think so highly of themselves that they're beyond reproach.

and i'm guilty of this too. hell, it was a pretty autobiographical piece. many of the lines i have said to my friends verbatim.

but anyway... i can't put up with the lack of professionalism and the drive to put on the best shows possible. it's amateurish and i'm done.

i want to focus on longer things and better productions.

the 10x10 has served its purpose for me over the past four years... it got me writing again. it put my name back out there.... and it's put me in contact with a lot of really plugged in theatre people.

but the curtain is down on that part of my life.

onward and upward!

e.

p.s. i'd love to read any comments people might have who actually saw the shows... so don't be shy.