Thursday, February 4, 2010


i saw photos of my oldest friend's new baby tonight. they made me cry.

not exactly sure what's wrong with me lately....

i don't generally like children. i adore my niece...when i see her....but that's not often. most of the time when i'm around children i feel ill at ease. unsure of how to act. i treat them as i would any individual.... probably too old for them really.....

so why this tug when looking at the baby pictures...?

she is lovely as far as babies go. they say all babies are beautiful.... and i take them at their word.

yet here i am.... wiping away the tears. looking at my friend's two day old daughter.

i think, perhaps, i find myself longing these past couple of weeks. maybe months? what am i missing? what do i want to experience?

love, i suppose.

many other foolish things... do i perhaps suddenly regret that i shall probably never have a child of my own?

in my youth... i always wanted children. excelled at interaction with them. and i would have been an exceptional father. but now... in my adulthood.... i've grown hard. the walls are up and are only allowed to come down at the odd moments of solitude. perhaps the amount of solitude i've sought out in recent weeks has allowed more emotions to surface?

perhaps that is why i cry this evening....?

funny things... emotions. they so often catch you unawares.