So What Did *They* Do?

(steven...you may just want to skip this post.)

as prologue: this is the type of shit that pisses me off...

so i'm home over lunch, listening to msnbc as i'm known to do. amongst all the chatter over the stimulus package and the house and senate voting, there is a lot of coverage following the plane crash of flight 3407 in buffalo, ny.

let me begin by saying... i can't even imagine. believe it or not...but a fear of a plane crashing into my home is actually on my list of phobias. obviously, it's not something that happens often. but obviously....it happens.

so msnbc is speaking with a woman who lives about a block from where the plane crashed and they ask for what she witnessed.

"i heard the plane and i knew immediately that something wasn't right. so i started to pray for those individuals that god would watch over them."

well, guess what? god must've been busy. 49 people died on the plane and 1 on the ground.

then she was asked what she felt. "tell us what you felt."

and she started talking about how god must've been looking out for all the people in her community because...all things considered....with the closeness of the houses and the plane coming down.... god was clearly looking out for everyone and had a hand in the miracle since more people were not killed or injured.

so my question for this woman is this: what did the individuals on the plane do? what did the person on the ground do? why did god decide, "yeah, fuck 'em" but not them? why was god looking out for every other individual but those 50?

and what about the woman who was a widow of a 9/11 victim? what did their entire family do that god would take two individuals from this one family in such horrific ways?

were they atheists? all of them....? jews? muslims?

what did they do? why did god look over all of these other individuals but not these 50? what were their crimes?

it pisses me off when people say that shit....

why was god not protecting everybody.....? shouldn't that be the question?

or maybe there simply is no god and the universe is violent and haphazard and sometimes bad shit happens to good people and other times good things happen to shitty people?

but whatever you believe... please...! stop saying god was looking out for everyone... because then you insinuate that god was not looking out for those who died. and how should their loved ones feel about that?

e.

It Does the Mind Good

so last night i saw gus van sant's milk.

it is an extraordinary, moving, inspirational, devastating film...

i'm not always the best fag, but i know harvey milk... i knew a lot about harvey milk going into this movie. but i didn't know everything. and i wasn't old enough to remember him on the news or hear his inspirational, groundbreaking messages.

i have friends who remember him.... and how i'm envious of that memory.

but how i don't regret not having to suffer through his assassination at the hand of a homophobic bigot.

i've already stated that i hope the combination of this film with the passage of prop8 in california will serve as a wake-up call to homosexuals. no longer can we be content with our cocktails and go-go boys.

i have found myself very angry since the passage of prop8... and anger is not generally an emotion that comes terribly easy to me. i don't generally care enough for something to make me angry... i'm not generally surprised enough for something so hate-filled as prop8 to make me angry. i am a very accomplished cynic, after all.

and yet i'm angry.

last night i struggled to fall asleep as thoughts of milk consumed me. and i found myself asking questions of....myself.

what have i done? what can i do? does it make sense to stay in houston when there's obviously no chance of change for homosexuals coming any time soon? should i go somewhere i have a better chance of making a difference? or is it more important to fight in a state like texas because it is a tougher battle?

and i was angry at my fellow fags in texas who seem so complacent in the face of growing hatred and bigotry rearing up from grassroots efforts of the religious right.

have we just given up in houston? in texas?

the anti-prop8 rally i went to in san francisco saw 7,500 angry homosexuals out to protest. there were a couple of hundred in houston.

but my anger was not only towards my complacent, cocksucking compatriots.

i found myself angry at a brother who votes republican.... a brother who i believe loves me but doesn't care enough about the hatred i face every day to vote against those individuals that would strive to uphold that bigotry.

i was angry at the thought that certain family members may still not pass the final test of acceptance when i finally bring home that first boyfriend.

yes, my lovelies... now entering the latter part of my thirties, i've yet to find love.... and introduce a partner to my family.

my friend sally put it best when she said my homosexuality is still in the abstract with my family. it's easy to accept the wise-cracking, artistic faggot son when you don't have to watch him hold hands with his lover... or kiss his lover.

and i honestly don't know how they'll react. i think it will be hard.

my parents are children of the 40s and 50s.... very different times. for all their progressive strong points, mindsets from that period are still present. it wasn't easy for them when i dated an african american woman in college.

there are also conservative streaks in my brothers and their wives.... how will they handle it? will i be asked not to kiss my boyfriend in front of the children?

it's not every day a movie stokes this type of debate within myself.... but milk has shaken me.

i hope it shakes a lot of people.... we need to be shaken out of our slumber.

we need to make noise.

we need to make those who are uncomfortable.... uncomfortable.

we need to demand equal rights....

not separate but equal.

not tolerance. fuck tolerance. i don't need to be "tolerated" by anybody.

i don't need to be "accepted" by anybody, for that matter.

what i need is equality.

and if you haven't seen milk.... see it. and let's talk.

e.

Don't Say the Zed-Word!

did you see the zombies making the rounds this morning during their broadcast debut?

just after sunrise it seemed every morning show introduced a trio of hollow-eyed, gingham-clad, french-twisted moms from the polygamist sect of eldorado, texas. and their mousy, drowsy speech just gave me the heebie jeebies something awful. (the feeling lasted well into my morning kashi.)

i'm not sure what's up with the little ladies of la-la-land but i swear liquid valium runs through their veins.

but there they were! blankly staring out from good morning america and today.... the undead church mice squeak-squeaking this and that about how unfair it is to take their children and how they love their children and how normal a world without google and grey's anatomy must surely be...

really...? i mean, shit! i'm freaking out just after a few months without meredith and mcdreamy so i'm not sure what the fuck they're talking about.

and if you notice they couldn't answer certain questions about how young a child can be for marrying-age and i doubt anyone copped to any good-ole fashioned corn-holin' goin' on in the chapel.

but awww.... look how innocent and pathetic and victimized all these women look... squeak-squeak...

grow a backbone, ladies!

i mean....i'll confess a confliction over the fact that 400 of your children were taken from you. and hey...i believe your fanatical rugrats have the right to whittle their own jesus-voodoo dolls and coagulate their curds of whey as much as the next little resident of cuckootown.

but you kinda lost your right as mothers when you allowed the men in your church to baptize the children with their throbbing members.

oh sure... perhaps the government could've sent dateline's chris hansen in beforehand to see if he could diffuse the situation... and maybe the all-out raid was a bit extreme...

but so is a communal bed that all the men stand around spankin' the donkey while they watch the latest boy who's balls have dropped sodomize the newest girl that's had to take carrie to the prom (yes! i found a way to get that phrase in my blog!).

i'm all for freedom of religion... or, more pointedly, freedom FROM religion.

but you ladies creep me the fuck out!

stop letting your church elders and husbands push you around and stand up for yourselves and your rugrats...

and don't forget that god is also a member of the patriarchy and you don't have to stand for his bullshit anymore. especially if that includes offering up your little one's naughty bits every time daddy starts a pantin' fit.

there might just be something a little off with your theology there, loves.

and cut your hair! i'm thinking a sassy shag....

e.

Don't F@#k with J.C.

the earnest quest for my eternal soul continues.

i received an email yesterday that warned the following:

death is certain but the bible speaks about untimely death! it is written in the bible (galatians 6:7):
"be not deceived; god is not mocked: for whatsoever a man sow, that shall he also reap."

the blessed email then offers several "facts" plucked ever-so-delicately from the pages of history.

lesson #1: john lennon.
some years before, during his interview with an american magazine, lennon said:
"christianity will end, it will disappear. i do not have to argue about that. i am certain. jesus was okay, but his subjects were too simple. today we are more famous than him" (1966).

lennon, after saying that the beatles were more famous than jesus christ, was shot six times. imagine....

lesson #4: the man who built the titanic.
as leo and kate taught us back in '97, the creator of the titanic said "not even god can sink it."

i think we all know what happened next, yes? 3 hours of overacting but great visual effects!

and my kathy. god, i love kathy bates....

lesson #5: marilyn monroe.
so the lesson goes: she was visited by billy graham during a presentation of a show.
he said the spirit of god had sent him to preach to her and after hearing what the preacher had to say, marilyn said: "i don't need your jesus."

a week later, the kennedys had her killed.

and on and on it goes....

the lesson i have learned:
jesus is touchy.

you have to love the idea that he is so vengeful that he smites people who may disagree with him or mock him.

not a very secure deity....... gotta learn to roll with the punches, ya know what i mean, man?

just relax, j.c.

have some wine....

sure, friday is the anniversary of the day they tacked you up... probably not a good day for you... despite the name.

but just think: on sunday millions and millions of people are honoring you... blindly just falling to their knees to honor you.

and i'm sure the nazi will make some lovely comments in rome.

and who knows? maybe mother mary will surprise you sunday morning with an easter basket full of chocolates and other goodies?

see... things are looking up. so stop with the vengeance, man.

we're just having a spot of fun.

no harm, no foul.

although... i can't seem to shake this cold.

hmmmm.....

e.

Notes From All Over: Special Request Edition

well, my lovelies... here it is. my 100th blog.

i promised myself i wouldn't cry...

and i'm not. actually, i'm kinda tired. but tomorrow i want to start my countdown to the oscars... so here we go.

i received a handful of comments...but a lot of requests. some on the blog... some via email. i shall do my best to answer them all. some probably deserve a longer entry... especially the three-part questions.

i suppose the most logical start would be to answer the question why did i become a "typical pacifist, vegetarian who happens to like to kiss other boys and who pays too much attention to politics and hopes one day to succeed as a playwright in NYC."

about oscar wilde wannabe
i suppose most of you know me... hopefully i get some readers who aren't familiar with me (god knows the political pundits are reading me... stop stealing from me!).

i've always considered myself a pacifist. never had a fight at school... never really had a fight out of school. i may have been lucky because i was usually bigger than other guys. in high school - they thought i played football. but i've never understood why people felt the need to fight.

martin luther king, jr. and gandhi are also my heroes. i believe in non-violent activism to change the world. i don't understand cowboy diplomacy.

i suppose being vegetarian was an offshoot of that... i had two great friends who were vegetarian who introduced me to literature. i stopped eating meat because of the way animals were treated. i've always considered myself an animal rights person. it's unimaginable how animals are treated. the line that always sticks with me is "a burning cat feels as much pain as a burning baby."

most of the time...i think i care for animals more than people (more on that later).

i kiss other boys because i like to kiss other boys... that i believe is born within. i always knew i was different... i wish i knew how earlier... but the suburbs of houston is not a place where there's a lot of variance.

politics is a passion... on offshoot of my belief in animal rights and human rights and equality for all. being gay... i don't know how you can NOT be involved in politics. we're second class citizens.... that can never be forgotten. we have to fight (peacefully - nonviolently) until that changes.

on being a playwright
someone else asked me to write about playwrighting... i like to think writing is a part of me as well... i got into it late. i wanted to act and started writing parts for myself... i had very good teachers and professors who pushed me into writing.

when i wrote short stories... they were never great. but i was always praised for my dialogue. every time someone hears one of my pieces... that's still the comment i get... great dialogue.

i was fortunate enough to study under edward albee and he did much to shape my vision of writing... and once when i was able to speak to him one on one... i asked him if he thought i should keep writing. "by all means," he said.

that has meant the world to me... to hear that from a mentor and an idol.

but most of all i'm happiest when i write... i wish i wrote more.

the best part is when a scene takes me someplace i'm not expecting. i outline my plays quite a bit... but my characters often take me someplace else. that surprise... i love that. and if a character takes me in a different direction than i intended, i know i have a great character... he or she has taken the reigns and they drive me.

i could go on and on... but this probably deserves another entire entry. please forgive the cliff's note version. i promise i will write more.

vegan strip club
let's hit up vegetarianism again.... one of my friends who helped me become vegetarian sent me a funny news story. (i should note: both friends who helped me become vegetarian now eat meat... but not a lot. i still love them though. this past october... i hit my 15th anniversary as a vegetarian.)

apparently an "ethical vegan" of 23 years named johnny diablo has opened a vegan strip club in portland, oregon. the first in the world. no meat served... most dancers are vegan or vegetarian.

on my better days i'm a vegan... on my most drunken days... i would never pole dance.

says mr. diablo of casa diablo, "the only meat we have is up on the stage."

okay... i have some problems with this. i'm the first person to admit that i love animals more than people most days.... but i'm also a feminist. and to refer to woman as "meat" is very offensive.

and you should see this guy....

i don't understand how you can affirm animal rights at the same time you're demeaning women. i'm all for the vegan restaurant... but how about treating your women with the same respect you'd like animals treated?

you shouldn't just be an "ethical vegan" but an "ethical human being."

on the subject of genitalia
since we're talking about meat (rim shot, please). the lovely and vibrant sister epiphenita of the cynical heart asks why people must describe the genitalia of the sex they're not attracted to as ugly? is all genitalia not ugly and beautiful, she asks?

i think the worst thing that can be said of genitalia is that they look silly.

but most certainly... most of the naughty bits out there are beautiful.

i think a big part of the reason gay men and women scorn the other gender's members is because they're trying to prove their bona fides.

gay mean abhor vaginas because if they thought they were beautiful... the other gay men would scorn them. what could be worse than a flock of seagulls constantly shitting on your head?

and think of the man-hating lesbian sect of the lesbian party. could you imagine some butch, mexican dyke touring a georgia o'keefe exhibit with all of her man-hating friends and suddenly she says, "well...they're nice. but i'd love to see some cock!"

ostracized!

now, i happen to like both genitalia... although i'm more of a breast man than a woo-woo whore. however... i was afraid to admit that even here in fear of my fellow fags poo-pooing me.

i have enough of a problem convincing my coworkers i'm not secretly straight (or bi).

bears (not the animals)
they tell me i'm a bear. that's a gay man who is hairy...

gay? check... hairy? check.

i'm also told bears are playful... although if you're too playful you're a cub. apparently bear/cub has nothing to do with age...as i had thought... but playfulness. or maturity level. i don't think of myself as overly playful... but there ya go.

i always thought bears were fat, hairy gay men. i am told no.... they don't have to be fat. but apparently skinny bears are also referred to as otters.

a term i greatly hate.

so are bears fat? must some sense of bulk be present? be it muscle or lard?

i don't understand the bear culture... probably because i don't like armpits and hotdogs.

i have observed these bears... they belch openly. blow snot out of their nose when they come out of the water... they will tweak any nipple that crosses their path.

this is not me... but i am told that i'm a bear...

i don't feel like a bear.

i think this is why the bear community of houston has never really embraced me... because i can't seem to embrace them. mostly because... i believe in tact. and decorum.

i can't belch and pass gas in public... hell, ask me point blank and i won't even admit i do it in private.

so, bear.... yeah. just another sect in the ever-growing realm of gaydom. like log cabin republicans and "boi"s.

believe it or not...this is a good segue...

3 biggest pet peeves
the vast majority of my pet peeves involve manners. i don't understand people who can't say thank you to salespeople. i don't understand letting a belch fly in public.

but the biggest pet peeve is proper table manners. i believe every gentleman should conduct himself like a proper lady at the dinner table.

use your napkin. don't chew with your mouth open. don't talk with your mouth full. ask for items to be passed. say thank you.

i can't stand to hear a person chew! i want to come out of my skin... i can barely stand to hear myself chew.... if you knew my inner conflict when eating carrots... you would mourn for me.

other pet peeves.... not using a turn signal. people! turn on your fucking turn signal! is it that hard?

and the other... again - goes back to manners. cell phones. driving on cell phones... talking so loud in public i have to listen to your conversation. i don't care. none of us care what you have to say to the person on the other end of that call.... and turn off your annoying, fucking ring tone!

a friend i adore has "from the halls of montezuma" on her phone. i feel like bombing japan every time she gets a call.

oh...and don't talk during a movie!

3 things that bring me joy
1. writing. no greater joy.
2. entertaining friends. i have fabulous friends...and i love spending time with them. i love cooking for them and watching them laugh.... and, hopefully, making them laugh.
3. new york city. ask me and i'll list all of the reasons.

who is in the coffin?
for those of you watching lost... i think it might be ben. at first i thought sawyer... now maybe ben. could be locke. the thing to remember is that flash forward takes place much further than any of the other flash forwards we're currently seeing. so it could even be any member of the oceanic 6.

except kate and jack... because they talked about it... and jack saw the coffin.

3 movies i think people should watch
i could name the obvious: citizen kane, casablanca, some like it hot... i could go on and on... and this really deserves its own entry as well. but i will give three quickly - perhaps less obvious - and go into this more later.

1. seven sumarai. it's an amazing film and one that influences the entire american western genre...it is the basis of the magnificent seven. kurosawa is a pioneer and an amazing filmmaker. any of his films are worth watching. this and rashomon top of the list....the latter creating an entirely new genre of storytelling by telling the same story from three different view points. (kurosawa was the first director to ever film the sun through tree branches. no one ever performed that beautiful shot directly into the sun before... just fyi.)

2. hannah and her sisters. i have to include a woody allen picture. i would recommend just about any of them... but this is one of his best. it incorporates everything that is great about an allen film and why i love him... comedy, drama, neuroses, new york..... a beautiful film built entirely around relationships rather than plot. it's a brilliant picture and one i can watch over and over and over again.

3. the maltese falcon. classic noir in all it's glory. the characters and actors are superb. bogey is great, yes.... but sidney greenstreet and peter lorre make this film for me. if you haven't seen it... watch it. and then check out casablanca.

will nicole be at the oscars?
yes.

3 pearls of wisdom for someone just coming out
not sure i could number it one, two and three.... but just be true to yourself. don't let what you see turn you bitter.

i came out relatively late... and my first experience with gay men was waiting tables with them when i was in my early twenties and they were in their thirties. they had been through the ringer... they were bitter.

and i picked up on it.

remember what's great about being gay.... i remember being at the clubs and thinking "why would anyone not want to be gay?" it sounds silly... but i thought that way. i loved it.

i loved the community and my friends... but somewhere along the way i became bitter. and cynical. i don't think there was a way for me to avoid becoming cynical... but i wish i had fought off the bitterness harder.

showtunes. that's my third piece of advice. listen to broadway showtunes.... i was much happier when i listened to kander and ebb... i should probably listen to them more. never underestimate the power of escapism.

organized religion
i think the vast majority of the world's problems stem from organized religion. the vast majority of history's problems stem from organized religion.

wars have been fought.... leaders have been killed. entire populations and ethnic groups have been wiped out because of organized religion.

i don't believe in god... this is true. but i don't begrudge those individuals who do have faith. i wish i had faith... i really wish i did. but i don't.

but a person's faith should be private... and intimate. between you and your god or whoever.

when religion is organized and one person is allowed to speak (and think) for the masses... the outcome is rarely good.

the holocaust... because of religion. the wars in the middle east... religion. the current war on terror... all fought in the name of religion.

"western devils" and "islamic fascists." lumping everyone into one group and then persecuting them because they believe differently...? i don't understand it.

i think organized religion has been the downfall of civilization and will ultimately destroy all of us... if we don't destroy the planet first.

i hate the word "tolerance" because it implies that one person is greater than the other. "i will tolerate" that person.... what we need is acceptance. we are all different. we all believe differently.

if everyone was allowed to pray or meditate or deny god in their own way... how much happier could we be?

and there would be no mike hucakbee!?!

sweet p and project runway
well, we all knew she would never make it to the end.... i think the reason sweet p made it this far is her understanding of what women want and being smart enough to listen to tim gunn. i'm sad she's gone... she was one of my favorites and so very kind. it's sad... but she was inferior to many of the other designers... we have to admit that.

and she will have great success.... believe in that.

tis the end
believe it or not... i think i did all the requests. i bet this is a fucking loooong entry.

some of these i will flesh out more later. some you're lucky you got this much!

tomorrow i plan to start my countdown to the oscars with a daily breakdown of each of the big six categories... starting with best supporting actor.

have a great week... and thanks for being loyal readers!

e.

p.s. hillary 08! (sorry, i had to....)