That Old Familiar Feeling

well...here it is, my lovelies. it's hell week for the 10x10 and i've been experiencing all those old familiar feelings that hugged me like a needy lover this same week the past two years.

part of it may be revisiting those oh-so familiar themes that haunt the works of scriptwriters/houston year after year....

just like the 10x10s of past you will find plays filled with the same ole spectres of those we've wronged, young women dealing with incest, wannabe french sex farces and, of course, plenty of relationship abuse. oh - and the twists! don't forget the scriptwriters' twist!

fuck me! they do love a good (or not so good) twist.

as for me... my familiarity runs beneath the themes and into my own insecurity.

monday night... i hated my play.

tuesday night... i loved it.

tonight.... i hated my play in new ways and i'm certain it'll flop.

and there are factors for my insecurity. top of the list: my actors still struggle with some lines. it's a tightly written script and one flub really starts things tumbling.

i also follow a rather intense 10-minute play chock full of torture, screaming and the one word i've yet to have uttered on stage in one of my plays (even though i keep trying).

i keep thinking, "great. we've just spent ten minutes watching this guy get the shit tortured out of him... now let's watch the fags fight!"

oy....

last night i really felt parts of my play were close to poetic. one of the other playwrights told me i made her cry.

an actor told me he wanted to do my play more than any of them and he thinks it's the strongest of the ten.

while another actor continues to bemoan the fact that he wasn't cast but he's certain mine will still be the best of the night.

and yet i watch it and i wonder.....

mind you, i look back on my piece from last year and find it overblown and melodramatic. a piece of shit, almost. just way too preachy. and yet it won runner-up as the audience favorite.

so the fuck do i know, right? i mean...please forgive the cliche' but i am my own worst critic.

i just hope the little, blue pills i've started taking help me from becoming a nervous wreck opening night.

so.... the next big question is: do i hope tomorrow night is a shitty night so friday will be spectacular? or do i hope for a stellar evening, full of passion and energy....and hope it carries through into friday.

maybe i should just plan to start drinking early....?

gotta love those old familiar feelings. and hey! don't worry about me... this is all par for the course before any of my openings. truly....

if they can remember their lines... we'll be golden.

if not... well, i'm happy to show you the script any time.

e.