i approached turning 34 today with an odd mix of emotions. at once disinterested, i was also oddly disconcerted.
i admit that 34 is not a momentous event. it's not turning 30 and it's not 35. i'm thankful that i'm not yet classified as "pushing 40" but i did find the occasion a reason to reflect.
i certainly had hoped by now that i would be in new york city.... if not having my plays produced at least working towards that goal.
and i find i have little time (nor energy) in my current situation......
certainly work plays a large factor and i'm most assuredly not happy in my job these days.
i continue to be eternally single... still waiting for the day that i may actually find love.
so i think on my life so far and i seem to only find disappointment. unanswered goals and dreams.
but then i look harder.....
the work i'm doing is good work. it's not motivated through selfishness (although the paycheck is nice) and i enjoy that my work may....in some respect....add to the greater good.
i am surrounded by a tremendous group of friends.... they mean far more to me than i fathom a partner ever could.....
my friends sally, steven & wolf took me to see the alley's production of 'arsenic and old lace' tonight. as my friend sally says, "it was a hoot." it could obviously never match the hilarity of the cary grant film but i had never seen it on stage and i was delighted.
is it a major piece of theatre? no.... but for a treat on my birthday..... and as a part of ushering in the halloween season..... i couldn't ask for more.
and now i'm home.... alone, yes. but comforted by the life i have created for me in this place.... the place i've long wanted to leave yet a place that has been surprisingly good to me.
several productions of my pieces... including two in recent years. ten minutes only, yes. but pieces of mine. out there.
and i'd be remiss not to mention my family.... far more supporting than i may have ever expected. a family that not only "accepts me" (what an idiotic phrase, really) but truly cares for me and loves me.
as the final minutes of my 34th birthday come to a close.... i do look at my life with a great sense of disillusionment and disappointment.
but at 34 i'm also smart enough to be thankful for what i do have.
and that ain't half bad......
e.
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2 comments:
Jeepers!
Blessings(u may hate that,but that's what they are)come in the oddest forms and at the most unxpected times. You will get to NY and u will include me in your Tony acceptance speech.
Happy 34th, my introspective friend. As I approach my 49th, I am bemused by your relief at not "pushing 40" and oddly unruffled as I clearly arrive at "pushing 50." Whatever you are driven to do, do it. But you're right about evaluating your life by more than the quantifiable achievements (where you live, number of plays produced, number of boyfriends "had", etc.) because those hard facts won't sing happy birthday to you or laugh at your jokes or make fun of your for being too serious about getting older.
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