Tales from the Dark Side: Day 4

well, my lovelies. here we are. the final day of the republican national convention. i wasn’t sure we would make it… it’s been scary. some might say horrifying. but we’re almost at the end.

tonight’s theme is “peace: a safer and more secure america.” is that not an oxymoron when discussing the republican philosophy…? the only way the GOP knows how to bring about peace, apparently, is to attack sovereign nations and start illegitimate wars.

but hey…. did you hear that john mccain was a prisoner of war in vietnam?

the republican party is so set on winning elections through fear and smear tactics that they never miss a chance to scare the holy shit out of you.

just a bit ago, at 7:40pm CST, the mccain convention ran a very disturbing, very graphic “tribute” to 9/11. it included images of exploding and collapsing buildings. it talked about the dead and the “falling bodies.” it included the line: “and kill us they did.”

it was such an exploitive and disgusting display that keith olbermann came on the air without anyone else and apologized to those who had to watch it. “it was not appropriate,” he said.

but hey…the GOP clearly has no soul.

johnny boy’s favorite hillbilly
lindsay graham just came out and said, “this speech is for the troops.” and immediately went into the success of the surge. isn’t tonight about peace?

graham just mentioned being with mccain and lieberman every step of the way through their middle-east trip. yeah…but you weren’t the one whispering the correct answers in mccain’s ear. which is why you weren’t on the v.p. short list.

graham just said, “thank god for joe lieberman.” would that be the christian god or the orthodox jewish god?

“that’s john mcsame!”
former secretary of homeland security (the one before the guy that fucked up katrina), tom ridge of pennsylvania, took the stage to provide a bio for mccain. he talked about how both he and mccain stand for “the founding principles we all so deeply cherish.” accept a woman’s right to choose, right tom? you differ on that….

which is why he nor lieberman are the veep.

ridge said he and mccain became friends over 25 years ago when they were “both first elected to congress in 1982.” tom! shhhhh….. we’re trying to portray johnny boy as a DC outsider.

(sidebar: is that the sun rising or setting behind tom ridge…?)

said ridge: “it’s not about building a record. it’s about having one. it’s not about talking pretty, but talking straight.” not bad…. you’re no huckleberry, but not bad.

hmmmm….ridge talked a lot but he seemed to say very little for a biography introduction to mccain.

oh, cindy lou!
i shit you not… her name is cindy lou. apparently when john and cindy met he was 41 and she was 24. but he told her he was 38 and she told him she was 27. so they’re both natural liars. huh….. why does this not shock me?

we are informed that john and cindy are married in 1980…. but the video neglected to mention their marriage came after they both fucked around on mccain’s first wife for a time. we don’t like to focus on that… we focus on the family. (usually the second family.)

when cindy takes the stage, she is flanked by her sons…. the girls are off to the sides (you know, where they belong).

cindy said “doody.”

do you think cindy got a prime talking gig because she’s the breadwinner?

said cindy: “america is the most generous country in history.” ummm…. I dunno? great britain did give us david and victoria beckham.

once again with the realization that sarah palin is more popular than the presidential nominee, cindy confessed, “i’ve always thought it was a good idea to have a woman’s hand on that wheel, as well.” um….is that a euphemism?

you know…cindy does look a little glassy-eyed this evening. i think her pills have kicked in.

okay…after she had been standing for a bit and then sat back down, cindy asked her friend ernestine to “please stand up.” oh, yeah…the dolls are definitely playing hopscotch in cindy’s veins.

so…john’s her hero. and ernestine is her hero….. i bet her third hero is jesus…. or amelia earhart. jesus or amelia.

ladies & gentleman, i present to you: evil.
ahh…the video tribute to john mccain has begun: 9:04 CST. did you know he was a POW?

ummm…this is a very awkward video introduction with an odd attempt at humor interspersed throughout. “mamma’s boy”? really?

the video talked about a fire on a carrier where 134 men’s lives were lost. but somehow john mccain survived. “perhaps he had more to do?” yeah… i’m sure the other 134 men were just wasting space. thank god their lives were taken. god, i hated those fucking bastards.

“when you’ve lived in a box….” did you know john mccain was a POW?

9:13 CST: the crypt keeper has taken to the stage.

wow… mccain only has to take the stage for a chant of “U.S.A.” to begin. that’s power! POWER!

9:15 CST: mccain accepts the nomination “with gratitude, humility and confidence.” do those last two adjectives not contradict each other?

“i’m grateful to the president of the united states for leading us in these dark days following the attacks…” then the crowd broke in. wow! did mccain just acknowledge george w. bush? i thought we were running from him.

okay…mccain has been on stage for 4 minutes and we’ve had three chants of “U.S.A.”

you know what really bugs the shit out of me about john mccain? he has that same shit-eating grin that bush has…. i fucking hate that grin.

mccain did a little declaration of independence quoting…. gave some minor props to the obama camp. but declares “we’re gonna win this election.”

john mccain started to say, “i know these are tough times for many of you…” and then the crowd broke into boos and started chanting “U.S.A.” as if all these white, rich people can negate the real suffering going on in this country just by chanting “U.S.A.”

if mccain doesn’t appear out of touch, his party just showed how out of touch they are with the every day people in this country.

fuck all of you…. that makes me embarrassed of this country. i’m sorry we can’t all be rich and white and straight.

mccain just said, sarah palin has “worked with her hands and her nose... she knows.” or was it “she’s worked with her hands and her knows…she knows”? was it a mistake or is she a miracle worker with her nasal passages?

“sarah palin: she’ll snort your problems away.”

9:30 CST and i’m still waiting for some substance.

“i understand who i work for. i don’t work for a party. i don’t work for a special interest. i don’t work for myself. i work for you.” nice line, senator. what else ya got?

john mccain is going into a laundry list of reasons why he fights…. i thought tonight was about peace? can’t the republican party give peace a chance even for 50 minutes?

reagan, reagan, reagan…. you know, during this entire convention there has been so much talk of ronald reagan, i'm really surprised the republican party didn't save reagan's cock so that everyone in the party could continue to suck it throughout the years.

okay…. mccain is finally comparing and contrasting his policies with obama’s policies. of course, he’s lying… but hey…. he’s attempting substance.

mccain wants to bring competition into schools? as if teachers don’t have it hard enough…. “when a public school fails to meet its obligations to its students, parents deserve the right to choose a better education for their children.”

ummm….. it might help if a republican administration would actually fully fund education.

"we’re gonna stop sending 700 billion dollars a year to countries that don’t like us very much….” does that include iraq? or will we continue to fund and rebuild iraq? you know…. since we bombed the shit out of it and destroyed its working infrastructure.

drill, drill, drill……

ganesha help me, this man bores the shit out of me.

john mccain said he’ll improve relations with russia. it probably helps that sarah palin lives right next door and therefore is a russian expert. (right, fox news?)

“i know how the world works. i know the good and evil in it. i know how to work with leaders who share our dreams of a freer, safer and more prosperous world. and how to stand up to those who don’t.”

he probably looks into putin’s eyes and sees his soul….

hey! did you know john mccain was a POW?

there sure is a lot of talk of war and terror and standing up to “evil” for an evening devoted to peace. but why quibble?

“in america, we change things that need to be changed,” said mccain. yeah…like republicans controlling the executive branch.

“i was blessed by misfortune.” he was a POW, you know….

POW, POW, POW…..

yeah….i’m drifting. i think i’ll complete my quick hits and move on to my final thoughts. from here until the end of his speech…it’s all POW.

i’ve already heard it. and heard it. and heard it….

quick hits
--did you know that palin used a bush speechwriter for her big night? just putting that out there (she’s such an outsider).
--the alaska delegates are wearing hardhats that read: “drill now. drill here.” if only we could drill into their heads. i also see others holding t-shirts that say “drill baby, drill!”
--kissinger’s in the house.
--7:36 CST: i’m partaking of the picture in picture option so that i can track actions at the RNC and watch the giants kick the redskins’ ass. (thank vishnu! football is back!) so during halftime, i’m watching brian williams talk with tom brokaw and chuck todd at the RNC. but just down to the right, in the corner, i see keith olbermann talking with tom brokaw and chucky-T on msnbc. did i just stumble upon parallel universes?
--i keep hearing that the media is attacking palin on whether or not she can be both a mother to five and the vice president of the united states? ummm….could someone please tell me who is saying this? i haven’t heard this anywhere…
--8:08 CST: just under three minutes in the third quarter. washington 7, new york 16.
--have you heard that sarah palin is a reformer? she supported the bridge to nowhere before she didn’t.
--oh…and she’s a hockey mom and a member of the PTA. i sense vladimir putin shaking in his boots.
--8:25 CST: the crowd begins a chant of “U.S.A.” seems late tonight.
--oh jesus! there’s nothing funnier than a large crowd of rhythmically-challenged white people trying to chant “that’s john mccain” in unison.
--8:36 CST: mccain is in the hizzouse.
--final score: washington 7, new york 16. go eli.
--just FYI: there has not been a single mention of afghanistan in all four days of the republican national convention. you remember afghanistan, right?
--last night i forgot to mention that rudy giuliani added leading a military platoon to the list of executive experience. so…there’s the argument for mccain’s executive experience. so when they go after obama and biden for no experience in that arena, it doesn’t also apply to john mccain (at least, not in their tiny brains).
--there are some disturbing hats out in that convention crowd.
--andrea mitchell is under attack by balloons! andrea! andrea!

final thoughts
tonight was a much weaker night for the GOP than last night… last night was full of fiery rhetoric and tremendous speeches. palin blew the roof of the xcel center. (did i mention the GOP convention is being held in the xcel ENERGY center?)

the mccains, neither cindy nor john, are strong speakers. tonight was lacking the red meat and even the specifics of last night’s attacks.

last night the speakers really went after the democrats and obama and really drew clear distinctions. tonight….mccain offered no specifics. except on his time as a POW.

i know he wants to build his entire campaign around those 5 1/2 years…. but he needs to start offering something more. and mocking obama by saying he feels “anointed” will also not garner any new voters.

mccain just said he’d fight for his country until he draws his last breath. considering palin’s lack of experience….let’s hope that’s not any time soon should mccain become president.

i realize i’m so far left i’m practically pink…. but tonight simply did not impress me. the vast majority of the convention did not impress me. only last night made the GOP look like they had a fighting chance.

looks like picking palin is the smartest choice mccain could’ve made. she excites people so much more than him.

oh, hell. mccain just ended his speech with a call to stand up and fight and make a difference. “stand up! stand up! stand up and fight!” god…his pinched, penguin voice makes him sound like a member of the lollipop guild.

and on that note….. blah.

obama/biden 08!

e.