Tales from the Dark Side: Day 3

governor palin stormed into the republican national convention this evening lead by three polar bears she hopes to grind into hamburger meat once she successfully takes them off the endangered species list.

umm, ya know, it's funny.... words spoken by my friend, the brilliant sister epiphenita of the interrupted internet, have recycled themselves over and over again in my head all day today:

don't you think that demonizing all republicans, straights, suburbanites, etc. is ultimately sloppy, oversimplistic logic that prevents us from moving forward?

and i said that i do.... but goddammit. i can't listen to all of this republican bullshit without making fun of it. i hope that at the base of my demonization and smart-ass remarks lay a logic that debunks the GOP philosophy. my interest, more than anything during the convention, is to point out the hypocrisy of the republican party.

and...hopefully....make people laugh.

so back to miss moose stew 1984.... nbc nightly news had an interesting segment on governor palin's time as mayor of wasilla, alaska. wasilla is a town of 7,000 people, which is half the population of chippewa falls, wisconsin and half the size of the dallas/fort worth airport.

on october 23, 2006, the anchorage daily news quoted palin as explaining her job as mayor thus: "it's not rocket science. it's $6 million and 53 employees."

and, um....that's experience? enough executive experience to take over as president of the united states should mccain drop dead?

also...on an aside: government spending and dept grew while palin was mayor and she asked the librarian how they could get rid of "offensive books" in the wasilla library. oh - and her greatest accomplishment, the wasilla sports complex, is still running in the red.

so.... i find it interesting that people like former senator john danforth, when asked about palin vs. biden, has the nerve to answer, "if you want a washington insider, if you believe that the heart and the soul and the brains of washington are located in washington d.c., biden is a terrific choice. on the other hand, if you think washington is more of a problem than a solution...palin."

ummmm....are you not arguing, in that same sentence, against senator john mccain who has been a washington insider since the early 80's?

danforth went on to say that if being a d.c. outsider disqualified you from being president, it would've disqualified presidents carter and clinton. no mention by senator danforth that it would have also disqualified presidents reagan and george w. bush.

but you know...why stop the hypocrisy at this point?

the string of losers
starting at 8pm CST, the mccain camp began the parade of the GOP presidential losers. first up, ole flip-flop mitt.

romney began speaking down about the "eastern elite." correct me if i'm wrong, but wasn't he the governor of massachusetts?

anyway.... he gave a lot of red meat. really attacked the liberals and obama, in particular. but also continued the dialogue of the evil, liberal media. oh...and he tried to scare the shit out of people.

mike huckleberry took the stage at 8:26. not one to throw stones...but huckabee has put back on some pounds since losing the nomination.... and he's just as quirky chunky as he was thin. oops....there is was: 8:27..."the elite media." i'm sensing a theme....

"the presidency is not a symbolic job," said huck in response to obama's historic nomination as president. a good line....

i will say one thing about huckleberry hound.... he's charming, he's funny...and he's a great speaker. he got a lot of good lines in. "i'm not a republican because i grew up rich. i'm a republican because i didn't want to spend the rest of my life poor, waiting for the government to rescue me." i hate that line of argument, but it got the crowd on their feet and it's the shit the GOP eat up.

pro-life, pro-life, pro-life.

"she got more votes running for the mayor of wasilla than joe biden got running for the president of the united states." these are the type of zingers that made huckabee very popular during the primary season.

what? huckabee just mentioned something about mccain being a prisoner of war during vietnam? is that true? has anyone else heard this....?

you could choke on the cheesy, patriotism at the RNC, my hand to vishnu!

(shit....somehow i just lost several passages that i had written covering giuliani's speech and sarah palin's speech. i was live-blogging so i have no notes to return to. i shall give some memories of the speeches for you.)

rudy "i spent more time at ground zero than the firefighters" giuliani gave a powerful speech. he really hit hard against the dems. and ole lispy mcgee really went after obama in particular.

said giuliani of obama's time in the illinois legislature: "nearly 130 times, he couldn't make a decision. he couldn't figure out whether to vote "yes" or "no." it was too tough. he voted -- he voted present." rudy went on to say that it's not enough just to be present as a president.

well, no shit.... bush has been present (if not mentally) for the past eight years and look how badly he fucked up this country.

then there was something about terror, terror, terror... 9/11, 9/11.

oh...and apparently there is something to this mccain POW story. because rudy talked about it too.

i remember i wrote: "i think my head may explode if i have to listen to any more of this idiocy. must..... fight..... urge..... to...drink."

and then i said i'd stop blogging until the main event but once again stressed that giuliani gave a great speech with lots of read meat and powerful attacks against the obama/biden ticket.... and that he got the crowd pumped up and on their feet.

ladies & gentlemen: sarah barracuda
i started off by remarking on this historical moment. for the first time in history... the GOP has placed a woman on the top of their ticket. not at the very top... but at the top. and at 9:03 CST...palin accepted the nomination and made history.

she is charming. she is beautiful... she gave a great speech. and she too hit hard against the dems and obama.

of course, she talks like she belong in a john ford western.

she was very smart to talk directly to parents of "special needs" children and make them a promise. that'll speak to a lot of those independent, suburban moms.

palin's line of the evening will be: "i guess a small-town mayor is sort of like a "community organizer," except that you have actual responsibilities."

she attacked obama for saying one thing to people in scranton but something else to those in san francisco (please note the rust belt to fag central).

she hit hard at the media and the elite: "i've learned quickly, these past few days, that if you're not a member in good standing of the washington elite, then some in the media consider a candidate unqualified for that reason alone."

everyone tonight has really hit hard against the media and the "liberal elite of the east." when in doubt, and when a republican, blame the "liberal media."

"the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? lipstick." she's very charming.

she gave a great speech and she's very winning. beautiful, witty.... she has the GOP more energized than mccain.

she did a great job tonight. i wish i had everything else i had written.

quick hits
--why did mitt romney look like he was on the brink of tears throughout his entire speech?
--8:15 CST: first chant of "U.S.A." that i heard. this after romney started playing the "scare the shit out of americans" game.
--8:21 CST: msnbc found a black man in the audience.
--earlier in the evening, dr. elena rios (president/ceo of the national hispanic medical association) spoke about america "becoming more diverse" and said "by 2042, people of color will be the emerging majority. 1 out of 3 americans will be hispanic." she went on to say "this is truly something to celebrate." well, um, i didn't hear a single cheer or any applause erupt from the sea of white republicans while she spoke. so...maybe they don't see it as a reason to celebrate....?
--"tackier than a costume change at a madonna concert." um, nice try huck. but not very funny. then again, i am gay and madonna is my god. praise madonna!
--olbermann on hand to correct hucakabee: the republican party was founded in 1854 by disgruntled members of the whig party... lincoln would join later and run in 1860. as far as palin winning more votes than biden: biden won 15,000 votes in florida and 18,000 votes in california. (quick math: wasilla has a population of 7,000 so even if she won every vote (even those not old enough to vote) in TWO elections, that's only 14,000 votes....). thanks, keith!
--once again, you hear all this talk about the importance of palin's executive experience. mccain has NO executive experience.
--this is the point where i lost all my quick hits. so i'll write what i remember.
--cindy mccain turned in her gold-plated dress for a money-green dress.
--why is bristol palin always holding the baby? and thank ganesha her redneck, hillbilly boyfriend got a decent haircut.
--giuliani garnered a chant of "U.S.A." during his speech.
--i don't know where they got the names for their children, but those palin kids have some funky names.
--the mention of the palin son going to iraq got a "U.S.A." chant. and we wonder why the world considers us arrogant.
--i wonder how many votes the camera shot of little piper palin holding the newest palin garnered?
--palin's gay husband looks very proud of her.
--my friend carey is so annoyed by all the republicans talking about how proud they are that bristol palin has chosen to keep her baby (even though she is not married). says carey: "EXACTLY! it's a CHOICE!." sorry, carey. i just don't think the GOP is gonna get it.
--did you know that john mccain was a POW during the vietnam war? it's true.... oh, and he appeared on stage at the end.

final thoughts
well, i'm really pissed i lost most of this post. i had some good shit in here, if i do say so myself.

it was a strong night for the GOP. a lot of red meat. a lot of very pointed attacks. the losing candidates gave splendid speeches. in particular, huckleberry was very charming and giuliani was very strong.

sarah palin gave a great speech.... and it's a historic moment having the first woman on the ballot for the first time since 1984. but i want to reiterate: she is the wrong woman.

to all my female readers, allow me to take this opportunity to remind you that sarah palin is an evangelical christian that does not believe in a woman's right to choose. to my gay readers...she does not believe in gay marriage or civil unions.

to everyone: governor sarah palin is, possibly, even more conservative than john mccain.

she is the anti-hillary.... be smart, please. don't go there.

protect your rights.

obama/biden 08!

e.