Breeder Weekend

every once in a while i find myself immersed in the world of breeders. and while i admit that i often wander into this straight world of my own volition, it's often driven by an uneasy sense of obligation.

i do not enjoy this world.

it is foreign to me.

straight people, in all honesty, queer me out a bit.

there are rituals i do not understand. phraseologies that are foreign to my ears and habits that give me pause.

my older brother's bachelor party at the "gentleman's club" which - let's be frank - exhibits nothing of a gentleman's nature.

the breeder pub where you are always certain to hear the brilliant diddy "margaritaville" or the ode to a certain "brown-eyed girl."

this weekend....the breeders....in all their absurdness... danced their heathen dance for me in all it's horrific splendor.

karaoke

nothing freaks me out more than talentless, drunken breeders reciting words to songs they really only know the chorus to.

it was my friend wolf's (real name) birthday. they began at a restaurant - nelore - that promised a "carnivore's dream." being vegetarian, i was spared the aroma of smoked flesh distributed via spit.

but the karaoke bar... that i could not dodge.

i think i can safely say that i've never been in the presence of more white men with less rhythm. looking back, i'm not sure how it was possible.

cute men... boys, really. furry ones, metrosexual ones.... men who in a few years may realize they like it up the butt.

but for tonight.... they were straight and singing country and rock and... could this be right? the backstreet boys?

i watched as they proudly puffed out their chests as they displayed the type of rhythm a child with m.s. may bang out on plastic tubs.

the ritual was....bizarre. i left that place and slept uneasy that evening.

katy, tx

cities have suburbs. suburbs have....katy, tx. katy is beyond the suburbs. katy is where serial murderers dump the bodies.

there is something unnatural about the suburbs. but katy just freaks me the fuck out.

i went in search of christmas bargains. i admit it.

my parents are spending the holidays with me and i feel a certain sense of duty to concoct a proper display of holiday cheer.

no nativity scene.... the baby jesus gives me the willies.... but seasons greetings for my mother and father.

our first stop was something called "gardenridge pottery." it appears to be an indoor flea market where inbred families meander about while looking at color-spastic creations for every conceivable holiday.

large women with even larger offspring.

men with A&M caps and cellphones clipped on to their belts.

i found some ornaments... but passed on the synthetic neon lime, popsicle orange and electric pink christmas trees.

kohl's was our next stop. i like kohl's. they existed where my parents live in wisconsin long before they carpetbagged it south. but still....those breeders. carrying their babies.... looking for bargains. wanting early bird discounts at 3 in the afternoon.

i couldn't concentrate... i used the bathroom twice... each time wishing i had not given up my cocaine habit oh so many years ago now.

the sports bar

now.... i'll be the first to admit i can enjoy a good sports bar. i prefer the restaurant/bar establishments... texadelphia being one of my personal favorites.

my brothers and i, along with their respective kellys, used to watch the annual aggie/longhorn game at the texadelphia down westheimer. what i liked most about this place was that the bathroom had television sets hung far about the urinals. while the straight boys watched the game... i watched the straight boys.

one memorable encounter found a handsome college stud looking at me after a particularly impressive replay and said, "god, a play like that really makes me wanna stroke one off."

believe me, my lovelies, when i say to you it took every ounce of restraint for me not to reply, "do you need some help?"

sally and i opted for the texadelphia on memorial.... not quite so seeped with college boys but still filled to the brim with hotties.

we went to watch the new england/indianapolis game. because when you're a texans fan... you occasionally want to watch a real game. all the hype and all the promise this game offered was fulfilled. this was football.

the colts dominated three quarters but fucked it all up with about ten minutes left in the game.

on a side note: i realize everyone wants to crown new england the greatest nfl team of all time... but let's relax, people. i heard chris collinsworth on nbc say that the colts did everything they needed to do in order to stop the pats but they still lost. well, my friend, i have two words for you: marvin harrison.

do you really think those initial passes to the endzone would have been flubbed by harrison? do you think he would have fumbled an important pass in the fourth quarter?

let's wait for the afc championship game.... foxsboro, kiddies. revenge is sweet.

anyway - back to the straight sports bar.

breeder mating rituals were in full estrus. have you noticed how women - especially of college and post-college age - seem to pull out all the tricks when attempting to attract other men?

their breasts are hiked up to jesus. their shorts or mini-skirts are short.... or jeans are tight.

i'm convinced this is from centuries of women being fed the bullshit that their lives are meaningless without a man. "you must marry to have any sense of identity." so they spend all their time obsessing over how to best attract a man and how to wrangle themselves a hubby.

in the meantime.... men just wanna fuck.

men know women have been brainwashed into thinking they're nothing without their hand placed in his back pocket. so they relax back in their chairs.... boot-clad feet outstretched before them. taking up as much room as possible as they swig back their bud light or miller lite, belch and whoop and holler at the game. their baseball caps strategically placed backwards on their heads.... missing the intention of the cap's bill to block out the rays of the sun.

but i love straight guys.... i do. let's be honest: they're hot.

i don't give a shit how dumb they are...if they can fill out a pair of jeans and flex a nice bicep, i like to watch.

and the crowd was into the game and the place erupted after great plays.... it was, in fact, a great sunday.

all in breeder hell. who knew?

non-breeder thoughts...sorta

these are my non-straight thoughts after the weekend. however, many of my friends would still say they're pretty damn straight.

• the texans actually defeated the oakland raiders this weekend with schaub on the bench at the start of the game. that makes houston 4-5 going into the bye. i'm really hoping they can make their way to .500 this year.
• lsu and texas are some lucky motherfuckers. both teams should have more losses than they do. the tigers, in particular, were lucky this weekend. and that shift attempt to pull the crimson tide offsides was just cheap football.
• go ducks! i want oregon to play for the national title. (don't tell my lsu-alum sister-in-law.)
• peter king's monday morning QB on sportsillustrated.com has become one of the highlights of my week. if you're a football fan and you don't read this column, do yourself a favor.
• i'm not eating enough vegetables. i can't seem to get enough chips, however.... not good - and my body is starting to revolt.
• i've decided my christmas colors are blue and silver. very classy, i think.
• i'm not sure how the situation in pakistan is going to play out - but it kinda scares the shit out of me. its estimated the country has 30 nukes.... if you don't think the leader of that country has great ramifications on this country, think again.
• brian williams was kinda funny on SNL. too bad SNL isn't very funny.
• i have to get rid of my leftover halloween candy... this is not a good situation for me.

okay...lots of hillary and campaign talk to come... but for now:

good night...and please, don't feed the breeders.

e.