Baby

i saw photos of my oldest friend's new baby tonight. they made me cry.

not exactly sure what's wrong with me lately....

i don't generally like children. i adore my niece...when i see her....but that's not often. most of the time when i'm around children i feel ill at ease. unsure of how to act. i treat them as i would any individual.... probably too old for them really.....

so why this tug when looking at the baby pictures...?

she is lovely as far as babies go. they say all babies are beautiful.... and i take them at their word.

yet here i am.... wiping away the tears. looking at my friend's two day old daughter.

i think, perhaps, i find myself longing these past couple of weeks. maybe months? what am i missing? what do i want to experience?

love, i suppose.

many other foolish things... do i perhaps suddenly regret that i shall probably never have a child of my own?

in my youth... i always wanted children. excelled at interaction with them. and i would have been an exceptional father. but now... in my adulthood.... i've grown hard. the walls are up and are only allowed to come down at the odd moments of solitude. perhaps the amount of solitude i've sought out in recent weeks has allowed more emotions to surface?

perhaps that is why i cry this evening....?

funny things... emotions. they so often catch you unawares.

e.

Maybe I'm In Estrus?

i'm not exactly sure what's been happening with me lately. i seem to consistently flip-flop between two distinct and powerful physiological states. on some occasions one leads directly into the other...almost overlapping. and both inspire very strong, uncontrollable impulses.

the first is emotional....

much too often the past couple of weeks i find myself teetering on the precipice of tears... and always at awkward and surprising times. driving home from work.... finding a moment alone in my office.

and i desperately fight them back... quickly readjusting the solid, carefully crafted, public façade squarely on my jaw. (no one dares see the man behind the curtain.)

i was reading the blog that belongs to my dear friend sister epiphenita of the truly blessed creativity and i found myself moved by her latest entries. moved to a deeper place that i dare only visit in the privacy of my one-bedroom/one-bath with hardwood floors and built-ins.

i'm not accustomed to being caught unawares by my emotions. the lack of control unsettles me and makes me question. when i start to question i become more and more discontent.

perhaps my recent forced foray into interior design has brought out the worst in my misanthropic nature and i've become overwhelmed by my contempt in humanity? or at least the queen bee....

perhaps it's simply lack of sleep...

or perhaps we need to first look at my other all-consuming mental state?

fuck me... (and forgive the gruff honesty of this following statement) but lately i've been as horny as a 16-year-old who has just discovered his father's hidden hustler stash.

point of fact: i am not one to "cruise". i don't have the wandering eye ever-present in so many of my persuasion. but i drive along the streets these days and i can't help myself but look. walking through a grocery store... or strolling down to the post office. i stare. i salivate.

the other day i drove past an evening soccer game littered with lovely latin specimens.

thank vishnu for the privacy of my one-bedroom/one-bath with hardwood floors and built-ins.

hell, i might thank god if he could get me laid!

and again i seem to have no control over these urges. my highly libidinous thoughts are beyond restraint.

but to examine both emotional states at once suggests one very plausible explanation. one that marries the two in perfect concert:

perhaps i'm in estrus...?

not to imply that i'm heaving and hopping about like some lustlorn baboon complete with a flared and bulbous red ass....

but it is spring and to be in estrus would explain my hyper-emotional state combined with the excessive need to procreate.

now...i am quite aware that i am unable to conceive. and i don't for once think two midols could help dissipate the condition.

but why not estrus...? maybe my estrogen levels are currently too high?

maybe it's all the soy?

i guess what i'm trying to say is...if you find yourself perplexed by my mood over the next week or two....fear not. i'm probably just menstruating. just a bit emotional.

or i may simply want to hump your leg.

best bet: back away slowly. don't look me directly in the eyes.

in no time at all... everything will be back to normal.

this too shall pass...

i hope.

e.