Damn My Jewish Guilt!

okay.... so i'm not really jewish. but fuck it all, i should be. i mean, i suffer guilt like nobody's business.

i learned a hard lesson in theatre tonight. and i hope it's ended with me backing the right horse.

and i'm using a lot of cliche's in this post. for that i apologize (because i feel guilty).

i don't have a lot of experience in producing a play. i've always been the writer. i've helped with casting. i've provided feedback to the director who then filtered it down in a more palpable way to the actors.

i'm about to have my 7th play produced. i've had two other readings. september will see another play plus a prior play produced. so a total of 9 produced plays.

yet i've always only ever been the writer.

in september a group of three other fabulous writers and myself are self-producing a night of short plays. and fuck me: producing is hard.

we've actually had a rather smooth time of it so far. no major battles of picking the final scripts. no fights over which directors to ask. we even have suggestions of actors for each other's plays.

and even when the directors sent along their top three choices, it appeared everyone would get their top choice.

then i ran into one of the directors tonight. i adore this man. i've worked with him before and i think he's amazing.

the man is fucking talented. and, in all honestly, will be the houston theatre NAME attached to the project. he is well known. well regarded. quite often referred to as one of the best actors working in town.

he did not number his choices. he said he would direct anything by me (i brought him into the project) and then would enjoy directing these other two. well, i thought he was being kind to me and seemed more interested in the other two.

but i ran into him tonight. told him which plays he would probably direct. he was. not. happy.

he wants to direct one of my plays. he feels i brought him into the project and thought he made it perfectly clear that he wanted to direct one of mine.

problem.

i sent an email out to the other playwrights... at this point, also known as the co-artistic directors.

the way i guess i made the email sound made the director sound like a prima donna which he isn't. so i felt guilty that the other playwrights now think he's a dick and basically want to tell him to "fuck off."

but i told them i dropped the ball with the correspondence with the director and, really, i'm the amateurish idiot. and i felt guilty talking to the director tonight and feeling like i screwed up.

but fuck, my lovelies.... my co-producers are amazing. they refuse to allow me to blame myself. in fact, they are making sacrifices in order to appease the director they want to tell to " fuck off."

so i feel guilty about that.

and i told them i didn't want to leave a bad taste in their mouth... about me or the director. because he's not doing it as some favor to us - he wants to work on the project. he's excited about the project. and, yes, he wants to work with me again.

yet i have guilt.

the other playwrights have now all called me since our big group conference call to try and alleviate my guilt. as one put it: i have this cyclical emotion of feeling bad about one thing or another.

i told him: bad feelings and guilt are a huge part of my life.

and i think this is why i'm a writer and not a producer.

and fuck! producing is hard.....

e.