so i'm heading to the backwood swamps of louisiana this weekend to help celebrate my niece's first birthday. i have my concerns.
first of all....what if i don't like her any more? i mean...sure, i adored her at six months. but she could've developed into a major asshole by now. we all know my record with children and it's not good. and i'm sorry...but i have no time for assholes (shut up, all of you!).
then there's this whole nonsense of the first birthday party. it will be my side of the family... (somewhat smallish) and my brother's wife's side of the family. and that's a big, ole creole side o' family. PLUS! (vishnu help me!) all the neighbors and their idiot children will be there.
i hate crowds. especially crowds with children.....
anyway... i still had bigger concern: the present.
i wanted to buy my niece some books since i am told she really enjoys books. i was thinking something by virginia woolf or, at the very least, something feminist and/or progressive thinking.
but then i was told, no, she likes to eat the books... and shake the books. move and crinkle things from within the books.
i was lost.
don't get me wrong.... i bought her books anyway. one is cloth and i assume she'll enjoy the subtle cotton flavor of the pages. the other has some built-in rattle within the spine. she can shake and shake and shake that fuckin' book until the cow jumps over the freakin' moon. i leave the day after she gets it.
but then i was told this tidbit of information (my favorite!): get her a card.
seriously? a birthday card? she's one....!
"i have all of my birthday cards from my first birthday," my friend tells me.
so i buy my niece a card. nothing with a princess or cookie monster. nothing cutesy and vomit-inducing. a simple card: giraffe on the front with a one over its head. and it says something along the lines of "reach high in the sky." and then you open it and it says something about birthday wishes or something.
nothing overly sentimental. nothing cheesy.
but then i remember: she can't read. she's only one! otherwise, i would've been wrapping a copy of mrs. dalloway and not some rattle book.
so i wrote on the envelope: "to [my niece] - (but someone will have to read it to her)." you know... in case there was some confusion and nobody thought to help my niece out.
and inside i wrote: "happy birthday - if you could read i think you'd really enjoy the simplicity and classic style of this card. alas, you are only one. maybe next year, kiddo."
so my next question is: do children read at age two...?
e.
4 comments:
First of all, I'll allow that children can become assholes...I've met more than a few. (And I know enough adults that have managed to blend acting like children and assholes with aplomb.) However, I doubt that between 6 mos. and 1 year she's developed into a MAJOR asshole. A minor pain in the ass, perhaps, but not a major asshole.
Secondly, a child's first birthday used to be a celebration of getting past that initial 12 months of a staggering infant mortality rate. Now, it's just for the parents to to make a huge fuss over precious. I did it. It's tradition. But I tried to limit it to a handful of friends who liked to toss a few back after baby went to bed.
The next issue: gifts. Now, this may seem like it's for the parents but really it's for the giver. Give a 1 year old anything that makes you happy. They don't give a shit (but they prefer it brightly wrapped). If I'd have thought about it and hadn't spent all my sewing chits on curtains (I kill myself) I'd have cross-stitched some Dorothy Parker on cloth pages and made a book for the little darling to chew on.
Finally, who the holyjesusonacracker has all their first birthday cards? Seriously? Isn't there something in the DSMIV on that?
You don't have to like all children but I'll bet you're going to like your niece. Not every moment of every year but overall. And keep giving her books. Even chewable ones. And make sure you continue to be the uncle who never sprinkles pink sparkly shit all over her.
P.S. No. Most kids do not read by age 2. Doesn't mean she doesn't need to have the library stocked when she starts...
I have to admit I have all my baby birthday cards.
No shit? If I collected that much memorabilia from my childhood (or my children's, for that matter), I'd have to move out of my house, which is only half full with the shit I can't throw away! Baby birthday cards? Really? Wow.
Maybe I am even more a minority than I'd thought--I'd better make sure I check the spelling on all the cards I send out. For posterity.
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